My thoughts on your thoughts

Twitter is a lot of things. It's a great way to see and hear from celebrities, get insights from those you find interesting, and a semi-decent place for discussion. It is also, however, an endless source of annoyance.

Since I first signed up for Twitter shortly after its launch I've noticed some disturbing trends. Trends that really made me detest reading other's tweets, to the point where I'll even break the golden rule of unfollowing those that I know personally. It's difficult, but sometimes it must be done.

While I recognize that this post is about a year too late, I still feel it necessary to let the unwashed masses of Twitter know what they're doing wrong. Or, if you want a step by step guide on how to make me hate your tweets, think of this as an instruction manual.

Address "Twitter."

There are a lot of people out there that have questions. And sure, it's always easy to deliberate something on your own -- but this is the age of the Internet, right? Instead of taking an extra second or three to decide how you want to wear your hair tonight, or which of two games you'll ultimately take home from the store, ask "Twitter"! By doing so, you're simply asking your followers a question of your choice, and at the same time letting them know that they don't mean shit to you.

Also note that by doing this, you'll look completely self-absorbed. Your call.

Refer to anyone who might be reading your messages as the "internets."

Elitists. They're everywhere, and if they're on the internet it means that they can become one without actually accomplishing anything. Chances are good that if you've done well in any videogame and don't possess a sense of humility you've taken part in talking down to other people while spewing out broken English.

For those that have chosen this path, there's a simple way to address anyone that could be reading your message, and that's to refer to them as the "internets" (e.g. "Suck it, internets"). It doesn't matter if you're on a forum, Twitter, or frantically typing out a string of insults in WoW's trade chat, this works for any situation.

Got the cojones to say it vocally while on a podcast or TV? Then you've truly crossed the bridge from "kind of douchey" to "really douchey." gratz lulz

Post a link, and nothing more.

As someone that's been in the working world since the ripe age of 16, I know that time is valuable. So, should I tweet a link (whether it be a picture, a video, or a webpage), I like to include some kind of description, if even only just a punctual or funny quote from the page.

But, what if you're so cool that you don't need to do that? Well, first of all, congratulations on the level of awesomeness you've attained! Second of all, congratulations on being painfully arrogant. Personally, I like to try and give my followers something funny and interesting to follow, but by doing this you're tweeting the equivalent of "Here, take this. Or don't, I don't care. I'm just here to look awesome."

TwitPic your drink (Food is okay though. Seriously.)

This isn't really that big of a deal, but it still grows annoying. For most it's a chance to show others that they're just having a tasty beer (and good on them). But for others it's a chance to display just how fancy and cultured they are. Generally I'll let this one go for first, or even second time offenders (I can't say for sure, but if I had to bet I'd say that I've done this). But after a while it becomes obnoxious.

What's that? You're drinking an Italian soda and you're letting us know for the fifth time? Wow, you seem like the kind of person that wants others to clamor to them.

Retweet more than you tweet.

If you've got a 2:1 ratio (or greater) of Retweets:Tweets, I stopped caring about everything you send out to the world a long time ago. If I followed you, it was to follow what you're up to and your thoughts. If I wanted to hear from those other people, then I'd follow them.

This isn't to say retweeting is completely inappropriate, however. I do it, but it's all about moderation. Make sure that you save your retweets for news or information with some gravity, not Mashable's ninth story of the day that you think has a particularly buzzy headline.

Hashtag overkill.

Hashtags (text with # in front of it) are used for categorizing tweets so others interested in a particular subject can keep up with it, even if they're not following the person that tweeted it. But, like all good things, you can have too much of it. If you're typing out a tweet, and more than 60% of the words in it are hashtagged, delete it. It's not worth reading anymore.

For example, if you tweet "#BP oil spill #kills #seals #bpcares #oilspill #gulfcoast #badstuff #ff" -- what are you thinking? Break the finger that presses #, and try again when you've learned your lesson.

ABC: Always Be Complaining.

I've got problems, and you've got problems. And yeah, it's fine to air frustrations from time to time. But when your Twitter feed turns into a stream of consciousness diary for the upset part of your brain, you need to stop.

Now, if you are tweeting this much bad juju, I completely understand that there's the possibility that you're riding out a rough patch. You could be going through one of these -- but I don't know that. If all you ever tweet about are your bad times, I'm either unfollowing you, or rolling my eyes whenever you spew out unfiltered, passive aggressive bullshit to the Internet.

Same rule applies to Facebook updates.

I've got no doubt that I've broken at least a few of my own rules in the past, and I accept that. Twitter is still a service that's maturing, and so are its users. But there are certainly days where I get tired of the self-absorbed, indescribably douchey denizens that log in day after day.